Love. There is a euphoric vulnerability associated with that word. I didn’t believe love existed. I would hear others speak of this elusive emotion and how happy they were only to see them later totally miserable saying they fell out of love. Was it so simple to fall in love with a person one day then fall out another? I didn’t want to experience the misery these people suffered so I kept my heart out of it. I’m a logical empath. Maybe that is an oxymoron. An empath who thinks more than she feels, it doesn’t seem right. Balance is needed and from watching my friends, there is no balance when it comes to love. It’s either cold and calculated or you become a raving lunatic.
I was asked if I had ever been in love. That was a difficult self-reflective question. I love my children but that is a different kind of love than that between a man and a woman. Maybe? Possibly? Do you mean have I ever acted in a stupid, irrational way because of someone else?
I have an infinity for sounds. People sound differently to me and I tend to gravitate toward certain sounds and vibrations. One day as I was pulling into a parking lot, I heard this incredible deep reverberating sound. Think a couple of octaves deeper than a cello’s deepest sound. It came clear and pure. You could say I fell instantly in love with that sound. It is not an irrational love. It is equal to falling in love with a symphony or an opera. Then I met the man behind the sound and that is when it started becoming irrational. Maybe not irrational. He was constantly on my mind. I wanted to see him all the time, I’d make stupid excuses to be around him. Puppy love, lust, casual sexual interest? I cannot tell.
The more time I spent with him, our friendship grew and my feelings evened out. I didn’t think I was still being stupid or irrational.
Then he left. Talk about irrational. I guess I was in love. Insecurities I thought I had outgrown came flooding back. Me being a writer, my mind would come up with a thousand and one scenarios for things gone wrong. “What if…” was emblazoned in my brain. I didn’t tell him how I felt although I was positive he knew. He had feelings for me too, I just didn’t know how deep they went. So all the insecurities I had growing up because I was told I was not “enough” came rushing in. All the relationships I had taught me there was always someone better than me out there. No one is going to stick around for someone like me. No one was going to want to be a part of my weirdness. His leaving reiterated all of this. Sad I know. It goes to show Love is irrational and uncontrollable and I hate not being in control.
I was asked if I was lovesick. I had to look up the definition of that phrase. It likened it to being a drug addict coming off of a high. Hmmm. That was pretty dire but fit my symptoms. Not really. I didn’t have the shakes but I couldn’t concentrate, was sad all the time, obsessed with why.
Our relationship progressed. I had to learn to trust him and when he didn’t call or text for a while it wasn’t me. So when he asked me if I had ever been in love. I realized that I hadn’t. Not like this. I’d never thought about forever with another person. To see oneself attached to another through this lifetime and the next is quite exhilarating. Learning balance between the logical and irrational is still a little difficult however, I look forward to this new journey in my life.